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第九章(4/4)

不出名字的片子,当我缓慢适应了周遭一片漆黑之后,幢幢如置身在夜潮的灌木林里。我背后一丛丛灌木发出咻咻声,漫山遍野骚搅著乱影,煽出腥味。我冰冷颤抖像枯木上仅剩的一片黄叶,抖至剧终散场,我见自己临崖悬坐在陡峭厢楼,脚软嘴麻。我不敢回头,但我还是回头,瞥见了空荡座椅地阶上散弃著擦拭过的卫生纸如一坡地盛开的白牵牛。

我走出戏院,黄寒灯火,沙沙而行。

走了一程又一程,徒步横越台北市西区到东区。再回来杰家,从楼下望见房子有灯亮著,我差点休克,扶住胃躲往街角,直想腹泻。我折走离去,一圈一圈绕著附近巷子想,反覆辩证,推理出完善坚固的逻辑返来楼底,然而仰头一望,顿刻崩解,被自己转回身时的影子吓一大跳逃跑。

我惊疑每个往巷里行去的形影是否杰,或那人,屏息跟踪,像一颗摇晃的露珠随时会涸没。后来我把自己一层楼,一层楼往上搬,每上一层蹲蜷阶口大吐气以免昏厥。来到杰家,轻敲门,准备说出业已操练了千百遍的台辞,我将平常极了的说,我回来拿东西的。

很久很久,久到我石化如巫峡神女,无人应门。我取出钥匙开门进屋,立刻明了,杰没有回来过。我摸探床铺凹陷的卧迹,嗅见老窝的气息一似出门前不曾被侵入。我绝望不相信,一再察嗅著,连那纸糊罩灯洒下的光尘似牛毛细雨,亮了整个白昼到晚上温度甚高。我把它熄掉,废坐黑暗中,确定了杰压根没有回来。

这样我坐到天亮,决定写一封信给杰。写了无数张,皆只是个称谓,mylover,爱跟恨,排山倒海向我涌来再也写不出第三个字。mylover,mylover…

我留下一堆揉掉的空白信,我得回营了。

冬天的红楼戏院啊,于是我又再来。

更乾更冻的街市,乾得起粉起屑,我一路咳嗽。可以说,这是有备而来,也可以说,我亦不知我这样是到底要如何,我和我的牛仔裤之间什么都没有穿。

我记得,那是一团喷撒了浓重发胶的粉味,在零落还未活动起来像大仓库的早场戏院里,它从另一端移往我这里,移到我旁边。我又冰又烫感到曝尸于野的,委实,太空旷了。我起身走出座位,到厕所去。我面池站在那里,阿摩尼亚味,高窗上毛灰的老阳光,和我烛重吐出来的气马上凝结为一股一股白烟。那发胶味果然跟来了,在我背后。它很快抚索上来,不一会儿便褪下我的牛仔裤。我一直没有回头,任它做了它会做的事,我也没有勃起。我只闻见扑盖住我的发胶味,那嗡隆嗡隆电影放映中的一片沌杂声效,那窗项混蒙白日。然后,那发胶味离开了我,总共不超过三、五分钟罢,我的后面湿冷又刺痛。我直打寒颤连卫生纸也掏落掉地,于是我看见自己两根冻腿,和堆叠在膝敞著口的牛仔裤子好无辜的仰望着其主人。

我落荒而去。

大街人生,衣冠楚楚,我冒充于其间行走,越超窥觑,椎心感到阳界的律轨条条不容情。我怕太阳再大一些,就无所遁形了。

我买好火车票在后车站一带走,疯狂拨电话,不相信杰就不回家不接电话不出现,就不见了。

至此我惊悚发觉,除了他那个家,我们的窝,我竟然再无可与跟他连系的点,线。我不知道他去的排练场在哪里,他的工作夥伴们,社交圈,他的家人。我和他之间缺乏任何人际网络,只有爱情。爱情迷乱了我的眼,以为全世界都在这里了,这个窝,这张床。突然这一天,雾障消散,只剩我一人独在荒野,我们的欢乐华屋原来是青冢一堆。

杰说,你必须习惯这一切。

是的,我用光我极有限的那几年黄金青春在习惯这边阴界的法则。

一直到退伍的后来一年半之间,我著魔般往返于高雄台北,台北高雄的火车上。

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