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第二章1(3/3)

保罗闭着眼睛都能找到我们工厂。我把自己裹得暖暖的,路灯和窗口灯光在闪烁着,严寒刺骨,冻得脸生疼,嘴唇像冻硬了的面包皮,脸颊冷冰冰的像瓷器。天空和道路被大雪遮没了,我们开进了一只雪球中。我倚靠在保罗的背上,下巴紧贴在他的肩膀上,雪球可以钻入我的两只眼睛里。我目瞪口呆地睁大眼球,街道是最长的,树林是最高的,天空是最近的。我真希望没有尽头地开下去,不敢眯着眼睛。耳朵、手指和脚趾针扎般地发痛。寒冷战胜了一切,只有眼睛和嘴巴感觉是冷的。好运没有时间,我们必须在冻死之前到达,每天早上六点半准时赶到服装厂大门口。保罗让我下车。我用一只红中带紫的手指将保罗的帽子推高,像吻瓷器狗一样吻他的额头,然后将帽子重新拉回到眉毛上面,于是他就继续骑车到市郊的摩托车厂去。他的眉毛上面有一层白霜,我想到:

现在我们老了。

纸条事件发生之后,我彻彻底底忘记了意大利的计划。人们无法通过出口服装得到马塞洛,人们需要关系、信使和经纪人,不是后裤兜。我有了那个少校,而不是一个意大利人。我的愚笨从内心深处向我吼叫,我的自责就像耳光一样,我的脑子里塞满了稻草。我讨厌自己,只有这样我才能每天继续和内罗一起坐在办公室里,盯着那些表格,并把它们填写完整,直至第二批便条出现。我仍然对自己好,只有这样我才会喜欢乘坐有轨电车,我把头发剪短,购置新衣服。我也感到很抱歉,只有这样我才能分秒不差地准时出现在阿布面前。而且我也无所谓,我觉得,好像为了惩罚我的愚笨,我理应接受审讯似的。但不是出于阿布提出的理由。

由于你的行为,我国的所有女人在国外都成了妓女。

为什么都成了妓女呢,那些纸条又没传到意大利那里去。

那是在你同事的帮助下,他说。

为什么是妓女呢,我只想要一个意大利人,我是想嫁给他,妓女需要钱,不是去嫁人。

婚姻的基础是爱情,只有爱情,你不是知道这是什么吗?你就像垃圾一样,想把自己出卖给那些马塞洛。

怎么会是垃圾呢,我完全可以爱上他呀。

丑闻发生之后,我重新在大街上走着。夏日,阳光明媚,车水马龙,人声鼎沸。稻草在我的心里发出沙沙作响声。或许我根本没有爱上这个意大利人,但他可以把我带到意大利去呀。我可以努力去爱上他。如果不能,那么我可以在路上遇到另一个人,意大利人在那里有的是。只要你去寻找,你总能找到一个人,你可以爱上他。可内罗点名叫我去了,他可以随心所欲地点名我。在工作的时候,内罗盯着我的手指看。我劝自己放弃所有的男人。恰恰之后不久,当我坚持拒绝的时候,我在保罗那里耽搁住了。我想,这种拒绝在我这里类似于一种要求,它不仅仅是寻找。一定是这么回事,于是我紧紧抓住。不是每一个人,但也可以是另外一个人而不是保罗,他可以向我证明,防守是如何变成渴望的。尽管厌倦,但我没有停下脚步,于是不得不到处闲逛,因为在某一个星期日,我认识了保罗,并且在星期一在他那里停下了。而到了星期二,我带着全部家当搬到了他那幢滑落的塔楼房里。

我对每天到办公室上班感到越来越痛苦。保罗两只手握住他的“雅娃”牌摩托车站在厂门口,出于习惯微笑地等待我吻他的额头,然后说道:

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